The Times They Are A Changin

January 1st, 2007 · No Comments




The Times They Are A-Changin

Just because science can do something does not mean it should. As we hurtle forward into another New Year, it feels like technology may be evolving faster than our ability to manage it wisely. Or maybe I am just whining - but…..here are just a couple of the thousands of things in our laps or on the horizon.

Millions of people believe that somewhere around two thousand years ago. on a straw bed, in a manger, in the no-horse town of Bethlehem, a child was born to a woman in an immaculate conception. No bodily fluid transfer, no sweat, no grunting - she just "became" pregnant. It was a miracle. It was sweet and pure, and millions will argue that the child was the Son of God.
Fast forward two thousand years. In a small, no-horse town in Spain a scientifically immaculate conception takes place. Thanks to modern science, a woman gestates and gives birth to healthy twins without having sexual intercourse of any kind - and she is 67 years old! Dude, that is just gross. Word is, the baby was covered with dust.
Can you picture what is going through this baby’s mind? "Don’t panic, this can’t be mom. Just keep your eyes shut and suck. Is that really somebody’s face? Will someone call Child Services?"

So where does science take us from here? I can see the headline - Ampline 2010 - Corpse gives birth to triplets.


2007 is the Year of the Pig (again) in China. It has been the year of the pig many times, but this year is different. Chinese scientists have used jellyfish DNA to create a pig - or mostly pig - that is flourescent green. Yup. Designed to aid in stem cell research, the pig glows green under certain types of light. The pig joins glow-in-the-dark rabbits, mice, and monkeys that have been lab-created over the past couple of years. Many think glow-in-the-dark house pets are not far off. Actually, glow-in-the-dark dog shit is a really good idea…….

 

 


A California man who is a candidate for face replacement.
Remember the movie "Face Off" with John Travolta, where his face is surgically transpalnted with that of someone else? Well, the first full human face transplant is scheduled for this year. It could be of great help to those who’s faces have been disfigured or destroyed as a result of trauma, God’s Plan, or
stupidity. British doctors have gotten the green light and are looking for a suitable donor and recipient. The operation involves taking the muscles, arteries, veins and the skin of a brain-dead patient and attaching them to another person. No word on who will be first, but Rosie O’Donell and Renee Zellweger have both expressed interest.

 

This year, the slow creep of robotics into our lives will speed up.

Most of us have now heard of (or have) Roomba, the first successful housebot. Roomba vacuums, sings, gets tired, goes back to ‘her’ corner, and millions of people just love her. Over two million Roombas are now in homes. You can think of her as the great-grandmother of Rosie, everybodies favorite robot maid on the Jetsons.

 

What else is out there?


Roomba

 


Now you can have your
cake and eat your pie?
A German engineer has developed a VERY life-like SEX ROBOT, and she is available for under $10,000. Priced like a Washington D.C. hooker, but you get to keep her. Her heart rate varies, beating faster as you pump, her skin warms and she wiggles when she gets "hot"….hmmm. that actually does sound convenient. You know she will never be demanding, and why wear a rubber when your girlfriend is a rubber?

 


Don Johnson during a BrainPort treatment.

A college student in the Pacific Northwest puts on a Flash Gordon looking helmet covered with electrodes, and looks at a group of objects on a monitor. The objects are in a room thousands of miles away. When the student thinks about one of the objects, a robot walks over and picks it up! This is not sci-fi, this is 2007…and the research is being done by Rajesh Rao, an associate professor of computer science and engineering.

Don Johnson lost his sense of balance and orientation to a drug reaction last year. This year, he is getting a little tongue action at the laboratory of a company called Wicab in Middleton, Johnson has been undergoing 20-minute treatments with Wicab’s BrainPort device. Technicians place a piece of plastic with 144 electrodes on his tongue. His head is capped with a rigged helmet with a measuring device. The helmet measures when his head tilts right or left, forward or backward. Johnson can sense his balance through what he terms "buzzes" on his tongue. After his session, Johnson is able to stand and walk, even over difficult terrain, up hill and down, for up to six hours.



HAL cyborg lifts quadraplegic
Remember Steve Austin, the 6-Million-Dollar-Man? He was the boyfriend of The Bionic Woman, (Lindsay Wagner, who is currently trying to control her bladder long enough to get through the filming of the air mattress commercials she is doing on TV.) Well, 2007 is the Year of the Cyborg. Yoshiyuki Sankai, a professor of engineering at Tsukuba University has developed HAL, the Hybrid Assisted Limb. HAL is a cyborg body suit robot to assist in human movement. Merge with HAL and you can lift an extra 400 lbs. on a leg-press machine and bench 166 pounds more than you naturally could. No word on whether the HAL has a dick.

Personally, I think this video sums up my sentiments.

 


 


Tags: Celebrity · Health · Holidays · Those Crazy Chinese · Weird Science

0 responses so far ↓

  • There are no comments yet...Kick things off by filling out the form below.

You must log in to post a comment.